There’s this bar that my fiancee and I used to hang out at when we first moved in together. The Players Club. It’s an awesome little neighborhood sports bar for all the non-home team rooting people. As with every bar, there is the resident bar fly, Yvee. After not seeing us for almost a year, she noticed the engagement ring on my finger. Immediately she began congratulating us followed by a ton of the typical “everything changes, don’t let her be a ball and chain, what the hell are you thinking, you need a beer” comments. It made for somewhat of an uncomfortable situation for me.
“But seriously,” she said. “If there is one thing you learn while being married, it is compromise. you learn that arguments happen–you’d go crazy if they didn’t–and then you move on. It is what it is and what it is is forever. You don’t give up, you don’t go down without a fight. So enjoy each other and love each other and stand by each other. Besides, you guys are catholic, you can’t get divorced, you’ll burn in hell or something, right?”
Those words were the most reassuring words I have heard spoken since announcing my engagement. i just wanted to share. She’s right. It’s all about acceptance and compromise. I think my insecurities are starting to diminish. I hope her words help some as much as they have helped me.
So, I talked to him. I told him everything. I told him how I feel almost neglected, distant from him, untrusting…I asked if he was ready to commit to JUST ME. Of course he said I was over reacting, stressed and imagining things. He got upset because he felt that I had no confidence in him and he didn’t understand why his word was never good enough. I explained that he has given me more than one reason to not trust him, yet I still stayed faithful. The I decided that today is a new leaf and that the ball is in his court. From here on out, I am trusting him completely. If he betrays that trust it is on him. He got upset, but I suppose this will be the deciding factor, right? I don’t think i can do more. It is now up to him to prove himself. I think this will work. It will help me finalize my decisions before we get married. It’s easier to walk away before than after. So wish me luck, everyone. I’ll keep everyone posted through the process.
I love this man and I suppose that no one really gets to choose who they fall in love with, but we can choose not to get hurt. He is a good person capable of loving. He is strong and everything that I want. all he needs to do is be open and honest with me, right? The keys to every relationship is communication and honesty…
Ugh…I have this sick feeling in my stomach. Like that feeling you get when you know your parents found out about that forbidden boyfriend…except mine is the feeling you get when you think that someone you love is hurting you. A friend once told me that a woman’s gut feelings are usually accurate. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck, she’d tell me.
So here’s the deal. Remember how I said in an earlier blog that I am having trust issues with my fiancee? For some reason, it’s really bad today. I just have this weird feeling. Like he did something today that he shouldn’t have…like…I don’t know. It pains me to know that this man that I love, that I want to pledge my life to, the one who has promised me the world, has given me reason more than once to doubt him and his promises and word. I want to trust him so badly. I want nothing more than to be able to put all past occurences behind, but how?
I guess I have nothing left to do but tackle the situation, right? after all, what good is complaining and crying about it going to do? That isn’t going to get him to open up to me. It isn’t going to stop the evasive and secretive things he does. I still don’t get it, though….
A while back, he said something to me…
“I promise that I will let nothing in this world hurt you. I won’t hurt you. Please trust me when I say this, babe…:
I wanted to share this with everyone. I love this song and it makes me feel like there is some hope in the world when it comes to loving and trusting people. Let me know if it has the same effect on you. I hope it does. Much love!
So…here I am three and a half years after I opened that e-mail….I am planning my wedding….my marriage to the love of my life. This is supposed to be good, right? This is supposed to be what my ultimate goals was…I go back and forth with this everyday. Do I trust him? Does he really love me? Why me? After all these years and all those women he has been with, why did he choose me? He’s been with models and an internet porn star for crying out loud….why did he choose me? Me…with all my baggage…a stupid ex-husband, 3 children that he has to help me raise, financial issues from the divorce….more bills than he has ever known in his 30 years of life and a plain looking woman to stand by his side….a woman with scars from childbirth, who looks nothing like the girl he remembers from high school….
Ok…i know. I need to get over all this before I make a lifelong commitment to this guy…I just don’t know what it is that isn’t sitting right. Ok…this is me convincing myself that I am overreacting…..he’s with me because he loves me and if he didn’t we wouldn’t be spending all this money and time planning a wedding. He loves me.
