I woke up this morning and convinced myself that I was going to have a good day. today was going to be the monday of Mondays. instead I had an episode. I have been living with depression for many years now. i think it all started in high school. we chalked it all up as teen angst back then, though. And then i went to college. I had a few episodes and the doctors called it homesickness. It wasn’t until the second semester of my freshman year that someone actually took me seriously. they diagnosed me with depression. I had to take meds, see a therapist…the whole nine yards. I guess it runs in my family, but at the moment, no matter what they told me, I felt like a freak. this was stuff that didn’t happen to someone like me. I loved life, I loved being in the sun, I never thought about killing myself….how can you call ME depressed?
So, it’s been a long time since I have had an “episode”. almost 10 years, I think. see, I wasn’t going to let this defeat me. I stopped taking the meds and seeing the therapists. I was going to beat this on my own. And I did–for a while. I drowned myself in books, hobbies, music, people…anything and everything that I could possibly think off to keep my mind off of dissecting my “horrible life”…my “fear” of the world.
I guess there comes a breaking point for everyone, though. I’m not sure what it was for me this time. Maybe it was work, maybe it was the overwhelming feeling of financial instability, maybe it was the price of gas this morning..I don’t know. Whatever it was, I feel defeated. I feel as if I have let myself down.
getting back on the horse is a hard task to do. Wish me luck. I won’t go down easy.
