So, I talked to him. I told him everything. I told him how I feel almost neglected, distant from him, untrusting…I asked if he was ready to commit to JUST ME. Of course he said I was over reacting, stressed and imagining things. He got upset because he felt that I had no confidence in him and he didn’t understand why his word was never good enough. I explained that he has given me more than one reason to not trust him, yet I still stayed faithful. The I decided that today is a new leaf and that the ball is in his court. From here on out, I am trusting him completely. If he betrays that trust it is on him. He got upset, but I suppose this will be the deciding factor, right? I don’t think i can do more. It is now up to him to prove himself. I think this will work. It will help me finalize my decisions before we get married. It’s easier to walk away before than after. So wish me luck, everyone. I’ll keep everyone posted through the process.
I love this man and I suppose that no one really gets to choose who they fall in love with, but we can choose not to get hurt. He is a good person capable of loving. He is strong and everything that I want. all he needs to do is be open and honest with me, right? The keys to every relationship is communication and honesty…
Ugh…I have this sick feeling in my stomach. Like that feeling you get when you know your parents found out about that forbidden boyfriend…except mine is the feeling you get when you think that someone you love is hurting you. A friend once told me that a woman’s gut feelings are usually accurate. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck, she’d tell me.
So here’s the deal. Remember how I said in an earlier blog that I am having trust issues with my fiancee? For some reason, it’s really bad today. I just have this weird feeling. Like he did something today that he shouldn’t have…like…I don’t know. It pains me to know that this man that I love, that I want to pledge my life to, the one who has promised me the world, has given me reason more than once to doubt him and his promises and word. I want to trust him so badly. I want nothing more than to be able to put all past occurences behind, but how?
I guess I have nothing left to do but tackle the situation, right? after all, what good is complaining and crying about it going to do? That isn’t going to get him to open up to me. It isn’t going to stop the evasive and secretive things he does. I still don’t get it, though….
A while back, he said something to me…
“I promise that I will let nothing in this world hurt you. I won’t hurt you. Please trust me when I say this, babe…:
I wanted to share this with everyone. I love this song and it makes me feel like there is some hope in the world when it comes to loving and trusting people. Let me know if it has the same effect on you. I hope it does. Much love!
I think that I am starting to sound like a bad country song….i am having trust issues with my man and now my best friend is being a turd….oh, and my cat recently died, but we’ll save that for the chorus:0)
so, I have this best friend, or at least who I thought was my best friend, basically shut me out and tell me that our firendship had gone south because I had built my own life and left her behind. What the hell? aren’t we all supposed to grow up at one tijme or another? aren’t we supposed to move on? And it’s not like I said, ‘Oh, I’m getting married and moving on with life and you can’t come.’ i could never say that! This woman has been by my side through the best and worst of situations. She held my hand, when my Mom and sister should have, as I was giving birth to my son. she helped me get out of a bad realtionship, she used to wake up in the middle of the night if I needed to speak to her about something lame like a bad dream. This is not a friend or friendship I would ever take lightly. oh, and the friendship did go both ways. I often had her stay with me so she could get away from drama she seemed to attract. I introduced her to the first man in her life to ever tyreat her like a queen nnot beat or degrade her because of her weight. i helped her detox from an addiction to meth instead of cooking Christmas dinner for my family….I love her.
I don’t get it. what did i do wrong? I have tried numerous times to call, text and myspace her, but she has ignored me. I wanted to ask her to be my maid of honor, but at this point, I don’t feel I want to set myself up for an argument or heartbreak.
I guess now she is livivng with her boyfrined(nice guy) and growing uop…should I be mad at her?
I guess I am just goign to have to let it be for now. I’m not going to stress over it. I have other issues. I guess I just miss her :0(
So…here I am three and a half years after I opened that e-mail….I am planning my wedding….my marriage to the love of my life. This is supposed to be good, right? This is supposed to be what my ultimate goals was…I go back and forth with this everyday. Do I trust him? Does he really love me? Why me? After all these years and all those women he has been with, why did he choose me? He’s been with models and an internet porn star for crying out loud….why did he choose me? Me…with all my baggage…a stupid ex-husband, 3 children that he has to help me raise, financial issues from the divorce….more bills than he has ever known in his 30 years of life and a plain looking woman to stand by his side….a woman with scars from childbirth, who looks nothing like the girl he remembers from high school….
Ok…i know. I need to get over all this before I make a lifelong commitment to this guy…I just don’t know what it is that isn’t sitting right. Ok…this is me convincing myself that I am overreacting…..he’s with me because he loves me and if he didn’t we wouldn’t be spending all this money and time planning a wedding. He loves me.
He was my first love and the love of my life. we met 15 years ago…he told me he loved me…whether or not he meant it then, I loved him. and of course, our teenage relationship was short lived, and I was crushed, but I carried on and so did he. He traveled, joined the army, did his fair share of “living it up” and me…well, I went to school, got married, and had 3 children. In this process, I lost my identity. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I stopped drawing and painting, I stopped calling my family, and I became a frumpy shut in. I was barely 25 years old.
One day though, an e-mail from my long lost love came through on a networking site. “Call me sometime. Let’s catch up. I’m glad to see you’re doing great for yourself.” I froze and my ears turned red. what do i do? Do I e-mail him back? i’m married. Granted I am not happily married…this is the love of my life…this is the man I thought of everyday since I was 15 years old. This is the man that I dreamt would rescue me from this miserable path I had chosen to walk. He’s here, now…..what do I do?
