god played a nasty prank on her

my sister wrote the following piece on her son and his battle with menkes disease. he has since passed on, after five years of fighting the inevitable. why does god send us angels only to take them away so abruptly?

Matty was born on November 4, 2002 at 11:40 p.m. He weighed in at 6 pounds, ten ounces, and was nineteen inches long. He was full term and delivered naturally. I started my prenatal at five months but was using a pregnancy guide online to take me through each week. When I went for my appointments and my ultrasound Matty’s development was where it should be.
My mom had three brothers in 60’s and 70’s who all have passed away at a young age. Technology was very limited back then, all they had was a CT-Scan. The doctors could only diagnose them as epileptic, hydra-cephalic, and cerebral palsy. I had a baby brother in 1991 that also had seizures and respiratory problems. He was flown out to UCLA for an MRI and further evaluation. The doctor there could not give my parents answers to their questions or a name for this cause. All he was able to tell them was that if me or my sister were to have a son it would be a fifty-fifty chance that our son could turn out like my brother. If we had a daughter it’d be a fifty-fifty chance she’d become a carrier. My brother passed away in 1993, he was only two.
Four days after Matty turned a month old, Guam was hit by Super-Typhoon Pongsona. It left us in the dark for two months. Matty was a “normal” baby boy. He loved to eat, sleeping in mommy’s bed, being carried, cried when he was hungry and soiled, and most especially cried if he was put down in his stroller. At one point he was able to pick up his head while on his tummy, grasp items in his hands and smile. He was such a character.

One night while sitting in our lantern lighted living room, I noticed Matty taking “a lot of naps.” After I fed him I decided to put him down since he fell asleep. He didn’t wake up, usually he’ll wake up and cry once I put him down but he stayed asleep. The times that he did wake up he would twitch on his fingers, his toes, and his head, very mildly. My mom came home worried, she picked him up and brought him all around the lanterns we had. She tried to wake him up but he barely budged. After fifteen minutes he finally got up and started twitching again. She told my dad, “Oh my God it’s happening again.” We rushed him to the emergency room that night and he wouldn’t show the doctor what we saw at home. They sent us home and told us to follow up with his pediatrician.
The next day we were seen at the clinic but Matty wouldn’t do the twitches for his doctor. He said it sounds like seizures. He gave us a referral to see the neurologist at the hospital. Matty was asleep while the neurologist was examining him. He noticed that Matty’s head circumference was growing twice as fast (1 cm a month) as it should. He ordered a CT-Scan which came out normal but after the procedure was done he saw Matty jerking. He prescribed him Phenobarbital and sent us home to closely monitor him along with monthly level checks.
A month after (January 2003) he had an MRI; it only showed that there was some fluid in the brain but is “normal in infants.” Since then his head was still growing, he was still having seizures which I had to keep a log of, and started having blue spells. He would be eating, breathing, or sleeping and just start turning blue. They put him in for a 24 hour observation and again saw nothing. He was discharged and sent home with another medication, Tegretol. He had an EEG done which showed disturbance in the left brain. Other times we brought him in for prolonged seizures but we always got sent home.

In March 2003 he had another appointment with the neurologist. Matty’s head was still growing a little fast so he ordered another CT-Scan. Ten minutes after leaving the hospital the doctor called us back right away. We rushed back to hear horrible news. At the time I was very lost with all these medical terms. All I remember him saying was something about “grey matter.” What I did understand was when he said, “His outlook doesn’t look good”, it looks to be degenerative so we need to prevent his seizures, he showed us a comparison of brain scans showing us what a normal brain should look like and that there’s fluid. He’s never seen a scan like that and couldn’t make any real diagnosis but to classify Matty as epileptic. He gave us a medical referral to Loma Linda. We worked on our papers right away but just to receive more bad news from the referral office. Loma Linda’s next available appointment was in July. The referral office representative checked other Guam affiliated hospitals in Hawaii and California but none would want to accept Medicaid from Guam due to lack of payments.
July finally came and we made it out to Loma Linda. There we saw Dr. Stanford Shu at the Pediatric Neurology Clinic. As he examined Matty we were giving the family history to his student assistant. He kept feeling Matty’s hair between his finger tips and said, “Notice there are no natural oils.” He asked the assistant if she knows what it could be and she replied, “It could be Menkes.” He saw the MRI scans and pointed everything out that the neurologist on Guam couldn’t see. It turns out that everything he said about the MRI the neurologist on Guam said about the second CT-Scan. Matty ended up getting admitted to a critical but stable care unit at Loma Linda University Children’s Hospital. He ordered everything urgent due to our limited stay.
There Matty had an IV line stitched into his groin. He was under heating lamps due to hypothermia. They said he was obese. His Phenobarbital level was too high and the Tegretol for some reason was causing him to have more seizures. He was hooked up to a 24 hour EEG and had numerous blood works. They even took hair samples. He had all these monitors hooked up to him and more scans were done.
Matty was seen by a geneticist who officially diagnosed him with Menkes Syndrome and explained into detail what it was. He said that there is no cure but copper treatments. However, he was too far into the disease to benefit from any treatment. Matty was only their third known case and with their studies the oldest lived to three years old. So based on that and his tests results they gave him at least 3 years. Matty was followed by a great team of neurology residents. Matty was even seen by a team of pediatric neurosurgeons who came for consult. They didn’t want to remove the fluid because it would cause Matty a lot of pain and nothing would be there to support his brain. After a week he was discharged. We had a follow up with Dr. Shu the week after. He prescribed him Valproic Acid, Dilantin and Topomax. We got to leave Loma Linda with an answer.
Since returning to Guam, we found out that Matty is the only known case on island. He was being followed by Guam Early Intervention. He was admitted several times for severe congestion and pneumonia, mainly affecting the right lung. All the things that Matty was able to do when he was an infant (like laugh on cue, hold up his head, etc.) could not be done anymore. All his movements and laughs are spontaneous. We always talk to him and make conversations when he gets vocal and has his silly expressions.
He needs full physical assistance. He has poor muscle tone. He cannot walk, talk or sit. He needs to be carried from place to place. He also has a Kid Kart (specialized wheelchair) fit to his needs. He is fed through a baby food feeder. He cannot drink thin liquids without choking. He’s had three barium swallowing tests. It showed that he does aspirate with thin liquids and someday he will need the G-Tube. However Matty, loves to eat and sucks his bottle like there’s no tomorrow. After his first hair cut his hair became thick and started to show the kinks. Some parts of his hair have grey ashy tones and some white. He has very poor eyesight and requires glasses, he’s very near sighted. His hearing is perfect. He has droopy chubby cheeks. His gums are thick from the Dilantin. His palette is high arched. His chest protrudes; he is no longer able to sleep on his tummy. His spine has a curvature. His wrists cannot face up at a 90 degree angle. His feet turn inwards and he wears braces for both wrist and ankles. He’s followed by Shriners every six months. He’s always congested and needs suctioning.

Matty attends the Medically Fragile Pre-School at Tamuning Elementary School. He receives Physical, Occupational, and Speech Therapy. When Matty is not able to attend school the related services visit him at home or the hospital. His immune system is very weak and is very susceptible to illnesses. He is a strong and healthy boy. I try my best to take care of him and give him what he needs. He may not be able to talk or do things as a normal five year old would do, but just knowing how much he’s been through, is something most people our age haven’t even experienced. He exceeded the life span, he is a true miracle. Hopefully God continues to give us more blessings by giving Matty many more years ahead of him. He’s a real fighter and he is my hero. Because of him, I learned the true meaning and value in life.

I miss my nephew…this sucks….

today was a battle

I woke up this morning and convinced myself that I was going to have a good day. today was going to be the monday of Mondays. instead I had an episode. I have been living with depression for many years now. i think it all started in high school. we chalked it all up as teen angst back then, though. And then i went to college. I had a few episodes and the doctors called it homesickness. It wasn’t until the second semester of my freshman year that someone actually took me seriously. they diagnosed me with depression. I had to take meds, see a therapist…the whole nine yards. I guess it runs in my family, but at the moment, no matter what they told me, I felt like a freak. this was stuff that didn’t happen to someone like me. I loved life, I loved being in the sun, I never thought about killing myself….how can you call ME depressed?

So, it’s been a long time since I have had an “episode”. almost 10 years, I think. see, I wasn’t going to let this defeat me. I stopped taking the meds and seeing the therapists. I was going to beat this on my own. And I did–for a while. I drowned myself in books, hobbies, music, people…anything and everything that I could possibly think off to keep my mind off of dissecting my “horrible life”…my “fear” of the world.

I guess there comes a breaking point for everyone, though. I’m not sure what it was for me this time. Maybe it was work, maybe it was the overwhelming feeling of financial instability, maybe it was the price of gas this morning..I don’t know. Whatever it was, I feel defeated. I feel as if I have let myself down.

getting back on the horse is a hard task to do. Wish me luck. I won’t go down easy.

i am

I know that a ton of women have the same problems that I have when it comes to self image.  I am never happy with what I see in the mirror.  It sucks sometimes.  I stand in front of the mirror and look sadly at the 29 year old body of mine riddled with flaws from child birth.  My thighs are too big, my stomach not firm enough.  I often find myself spending hours upon hours contemplating the things I will need to do to be perfect.  If I just had a tummy tuck, maybe a boob lift, maybe some skin whitening cream to fade out my scars from the c-section I had 4 years ago…

i hate feeling this way about myself.  I know that I am a great person regardless of what my body looks like underneath my clothes.  I know that I am smart and funny.  I know that my children and my fiancee believe truly that I am beautiful inside and out.  so why am i worried about what anyone else thinks?  why do i not think that I am beautiful?  Did the media truly distort my ideas of what perfection is?  Did they define, for society, absolute beauty?  Why, even though I know better, do I continue to torture myself with “perfection” plans?

It’s all easier said than done, I suppose.

Just know that we are all beautiful, no matter what we think of ourselves.  God makes us who and what we are for special reasons.  why tamper with his work?  Instead of trying to perfect our physical appearances,  concentrate on being a better person.

xoxox

words of wisdom

There’s this bar that my fiancee and I used to hang out at when we first moved in together.  The Players Club.  It’s an awesome little neighborhood sports bar for all the non-home team rooting people.  As with every bar, there is the resident bar fly, Yvee.  After not seeing us for almost a year, she noticed the engagement ring on my finger.  Immediately she began congratulating us followed by a ton of the typical “everything changes, don’t let her be a ball and chain, what the hell are you thinking, you need a beer” comments.   It made for somewhat of an uncomfortable situation for me.

“But seriously,” she said.  “If there is one thing you learn while being married, it is compromise.  you learn that arguments happen–you’d go crazy if they didn’t–and then you move on.  It is what it is and what it is is forever.  You don’t give up, you don’t go down without a fight.  So enjoy each other and love each other and stand by each other.  Besides, you guys are catholic, you can’t get divorced, you’ll burn in hell or something, right?”

Those words were the most reassuring words I have heard spoken since announcing my engagement.  i just wanted to share.  She’s right.  It’s all about acceptance and compromise.   I think my insecurities are starting to diminish.  I hope her words help some as much as they have helped me.

xoxox

And we talked…

So, I talked to him.  I told him everything.  I told him how I feel almost neglected, distant from him, untrusting…I asked if he was ready to commit to JUST ME.  Of course he said I was over reacting, stressed and imagining things.  He got upset because he felt that I had no confidence in him and he didn’t understand why his word was never good enough.  I explained that he has given me more than one reason to not trust him, yet I still stayed faithful.  The I decided that today is a new leaf and that the ball is in his court.  From here on out, I am trusting him completely.  If he betrays that trust it is on him.  He got upset, but I  suppose this will be the deciding factor, right?  I don’t think i can do more.  It is now up to him to prove himself.  I think this will work.  It will help me finalize my decisions before we get married.  It’s easier to walk away before than after.  So wish me luck, everyone.  I’ll keep everyone posted through the process.

I love this man and I suppose that no one really gets to choose who they fall in love with, but we can choose not to get hurt.  He is a good person capable of loving.  He is strong and everything that I want.  all he needs to do is be open and honest with me, right?  The keys to every relationship is communication and honesty…

My light…

My light

here’s my most recent painting. done in acrylics. Let me know what you think.  This came to me in one of my lonelier moments.

I promise…

Ugh…I have this sick feeling in my stomach. Like that feeling you get when you know your parents found out about that forbidden boyfriend…except mine is the feeling you get when you think that someone you love is hurting you. A friend once told me that a woman’s gut feelings are usually accurate. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck, she’d tell me.

So here’s the deal. Remember how I said in an earlier blog that I am having trust issues with my fiancee? For some reason, it’s really bad today. I just have this weird feeling. Like he did something today that he shouldn’t have…like…I don’t know. It pains me to know that this man that I love, that I want to pledge my life to, the one who has promised me the world, has given me reason more than once to doubt him and his  promises and word. I want to trust him so badly. I want nothing more than to be able to put all past occurences behind, but how?

I guess I have nothing left to do but tackle the situation, right?  after all, what good is complaining and crying about it going to do?  That isn’t going to get him to open up to me.  It isn’t going to stop the evasive and secretive things he does. I still don’t get it, though….

A while back, he said something to me…

“I promise that I will let nothing in this world hurt you.  I won’t hurt you.  Please trust me when I say this, babe…:

Funny how he seems to have forgotten all that.

My happy song..

I wanted to share this with everyone. I love this song and it makes me feel like there is some hope in the world when it comes to loving and trusting people. Let me know if it has the same effect on you. I hope it does. Much love! 

My “Best Friend”

I think that I am starting to sound like a bad country song….i am having trust issues with my man and now my best friend is being a turd….oh, and my cat recently died, but we’ll save that for the chorus:0)

so, I have this best friend, or at least who I thought was my best friend, basically shut me out and tell me that our firendship had gone south because I had built my own life and left her behind.  What the hell?  aren’t we all supposed to grow up at one tijme or another?  aren’t we supposed to move on?  And it’s not like I said, ‘Oh, I’m getting married and moving on with life and you can’t come.’  i could never say that!  This woman has been by my side through the best and worst of situations.  She held my hand, when my Mom  and sister should have, as I was giving birth to my son.  she helped me get out of a bad realtionship, she used to wake up in the middle of the night if I needed to speak to her about something lame like a bad dream.  This is not a friend or friendship I would ever take lightly.  oh, and the friendship did go both ways.  I often had her stay with me so she could get away from drama she seemed to attract.  I introduced her to the first man in her life to ever tyreat her like a queen nnot beat or degrade her because of her weight.  i helped her detox from an addiction to meth instead of cooking Christmas dinner for my family….I love her.

I don’t get it.  what did i do wrong?  I have tried numerous times to call, text and myspace her, but she has ignored me.  I wanted to ask her to be my maid of honor, but at this point, I don’t feel I want to set myself up for an argument or heartbreak.

I guess now she is livivng with her boyfrined(nice guy) and growing uop…should I be mad at her?

I guess I am just goign to have to let it be for now.  I’m not going to stress over it.  I have other issues.  I guess I just miss her :0(

So, trust is essential, right?

So…here I am three and a half years after I opened that e-mail….I am planning my wedding….my marriage to the love of my life. This is supposed to be good, right? This is supposed to be what my ultimate goals was…I go back and forth with this everyday. Do I trust him? Does he really love me? Why me? After all these years and all those women he has been with, why did he choose me? He’s been with models and an internet porn star for crying out loud….why did he choose me? Me…with all my baggage…a stupid ex-husband, 3 children that he has to help me raise, financial issues from the divorce….more bills than he has ever known in his 30 years of life and a plain looking woman to stand by his side….a woman with scars from childbirth, who looks nothing like the girl he remembers from high school….

Ok…i know. I need to get over all this before I make a lifelong commitment to this guy…I just don’t know what it is that isn’t sitting right. Ok…this is me convincing myself that I am overreacting…..he’s with me because he loves me and if he didn’t we wouldn’t be spending all this money and time planning a wedding. He loves me.

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